Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Ring Ring Ring Bananaphobe

My Dearest Starbucks,

I love you. Let's just get that out of the way first: I honestly love you. I love your coffee. I love my Starbucks Portland mug, a keepsake from my hometown. It's my go-to, my favorite, the one mug I'll wash to use even though there are a dozen others clean in the cupboard. If you're curious, it's from the Skyline Series, the "City of Roses" 18oz mug, which I've owned for over a decade. My favorite coffee drink, the Pumpkin Spice Latte, is so beloved in my heart of coffee hearts that the day it becomes available each year is like my very own special kind of Christmas.

So, now, at this point we're clear on how I feel, right? You know I love you. Thus, dear Bux - can I call you Bux? - I feel sure you will take this carefrontation letter in the spirit in which it is intended. Yes? Okay.

Here's the thing: Your baked goods should be awesome and delicious, but they are not. They're kind of gross, and it's because of the whole display case situation you've got going on.

the contaminated cookie bag

Don't get me wrong; the display case is always a perfectly lovely well-lit presentation offering a tantalizing view of pretty muffins, brownies, crisped rice treats, scones, cake pops, and assorted other goodies. All of these goodies hanging around together in the same open air space as the Banana Walnut Bread is the problem. Why? Well, Bux, I'm glad you asked!

You see, while banana walnut bread should indeed and does taste like banana walnut bread, double chocolate brownies should most definitely not. Iced Lemon Pound Cake also should not taste like bananas, but it does. In fact, I've noticed over and over again that anything and everything coming out of the bakery case tastes like bananas. Cinnamon Chip Scones taste like cinnamon, and chips, and scones... and bananas. Cheese Danishes taste like cheese! Aaaand bananas. Today, I bought an enormous, gorgeous, enormously gorgeous, Chocolate Chunk Cookie, and lo! Neither chocolatey NOR cookie-ey, but it sure did taste like bananas!

The solution, I think, is a simple one, and won't require any new equipment or menu alterations. You know those clear covered dishes you guys use for offering free samples? Stick your banana walnut bread in one o'those bad boys and then but the whole business in the display case.

Bam. Problem solved!

Bux, I believe speak for banana-hating-bakery-goodies-loving Starbucks customers everywhere when I say I want to give you more of my moneydollars, but you're not making it very easy. I'll happily give you more of my hard-earned disposable income for a pastry when I buy a coffee... but I just can't do it again until you get a handle on this banana contamination problem. Because Bux, it is really super gross.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

Jen Bailey Bergen
Bananaphobe